The Perfect Gift?

So I went spent the day in Red Deer with a dear friend of mine on Friday. Got the last minute shopping done for Christmas and hope that I don’t have to face the crazy Christmas crowd again. I can’t believe how many people are in the stores on an early weekday morning. (Don’t people out there have jobs?)We thought that if we started first thing in the morning we would miss the masses but we were wrong. We shopped til we dropped, went to see the movie The Holiday and then I got to eat for the first time at Tony Roma’s. The movie was good….one of those that makes you cry and laugh. I think they have taken a few scenes from my life to make it. You will have to watch it to see what I mean. I will probably have to buy it when it comes out. Tony Roma’s was fantastic. The ribs are outta this world!

With the hustle and bustle of Christmas I am reminded of how crazy and out of hand it is. The amount of money that gets spent for the sake of having the presents under the tree is astounding. While I was out in the malls I saw many big ticket items being carried away to place under the tree, although I am not too sure if some of them would even fit.

I think the Christmas we know and the Christmas of our grandparents has got to be so different. I bet you that finding that perfect gift for grandma wasn’t so hard for grandpa. That generation didn’t already “have it all” like so many of us already do. It is difficult to think of the “perfect” gift for my kids and still be able to afford it. How often do we do without like our grandparents did? I have to say that there is precious little that I need and don’t have. With that said there is precious little that I want and don’t have. (maybe some of those big ticket items and a new bottle of my Gucci perfume)

My thought is that when our grandparents were young there was a ton of things that could have been gifted. I bet Christmas was more about spending time with loved ones and being thankful for what they did have. Would it be too much to say that Christmas would have meant more then?

Christmas Sucks!

Well, anyboody who knows me know that I am not a big fan of Christmas. And since christmas is just around the corner, I am once again reminded of how much I dislike it. It isn't the celebration of our Savior's birth that I dislike so please don't be blogging me in horror of this travesty. It isn't the family get togethers that I don't like about it...although they have gotten rather stressful in the past. I don't think it was until last night that I finally came to the conclusion for the majority of my dissatisfaction with the holiday.
The minor part of my dislike with holiday would have to be the materialism that it represents. I think that I am really feeling that right now as a single mom of 4 kids that have rather expensive tastes. They have visions of ipods and other electronic gadgets dancing in their pretty little heads, way out of my league for this year. I know that is partly my fault for playing along with the bigger better present game in the past. My ex husband and I really conditioned them to be the way they are as the big Christmas $$$ was really a big part for his family. But now it is only me to provide the presents under the tree (and you all thought that it was Santa didn't you), a job almost too overwhelming at times. With that being said, let me share with you that backing up the bus is way more difficult that going forward.
I think the bigger thing that I dislike about the holiday is it brings back some unpleasant memories. It was 3 years ago today that my husband left us for a bigger better life that I we could no longer provide for him. (Enough said!)
Unfortunately I have been grumpy with the kids and as a result they have really pushed my buttons. I have to tell you that I can understand why some mammals eat their young. This morning I told son #2 that if I wasn't home today after school it was because I had found where mothers hand in their resignations. He quickly replied to me that was ok if I wanted to be a pansy like dad and leave them too. I guess that isn't an option!
The quickly arriving holiday season should be bringing us joy and good cheer and for some reason it feels like impending doom. I guess the thing is that I really need to work on is the attitude...either that or start drinking more. Maybe I will start with the drinking and see if the attitude will improve. I will get back to you after Iattempt to get festive with a little Bailey's in my coffee and let you know how it is working.

Mozambique

I wanted to share the new blog in my life. mozambiquemissiontrip.blogspot.com. Check it out.

Who Is She?

Who am I? A question that I have been trying to figure out as you might have seen by my profile. There are the obvious definitions of me being a mother, a nurse and almost divorced, but am slowly figuring out that there is so much more and to tell you the truth I am kind of liking me. I think that sometimes we as women often give so much of ourselves to the benifit of our husbands and children that we forget to give to our own being. Forget to remember what we like and don't like. Forget sometimes how to think outside our little box called our family. And when we are forced to look at who we are deep down inside, past the laundry,making wholesome nutritious meals, playing chauffeur and so on, we have almost forgotten who we really are. At least I did.

Two and a half years ago I was placed in just that very position. I had to figure out who I was and what I was really made of, and in turn who God was inteneding me to be. And to tell you the truth I didn't like what I saw, because I was sure that I wouldn't be able to survive. I didn't think that I had what it was going to take to be the sole caregiver of my 4 kids and somehow survive financially. How would I get through the schooling that was all of a sudden so neccesary to our survival? I even though that I might have to move the kids up to Prince George to live with my mom. (can you imagine?)

This is when you probably think that after 2 1/2 years that I did have what it took and we have survived....but I will have to tell you that you are wrong. I didn't do it...God did it and so much more. He was the one that worked through me and made life go forward. You see, there was no more of me left. No more of me to go on and do what had to be done. I have had various people come and ask me how going to school and working and raising 4 kids by myself was and how hard was it for me to do. My answer to them is "I don't know how I did it". Life was such a blur and I honestly don't know. I do know that I was carried by an awesome God that brought me through some fiery times. Somehow we have made it this far and I for one am truly amazed. God has shown me what I am capable of with him leading the way. He has shown me a little glimpse of who he intended me to be. He promises us that he will never give us more than we can handle although I was sure questioning that not too long ago. And don't get me wrong I am not blowing my horn by any means. These ducks of mine have got a long way to go to be anywhere close to being in a row. But I can tell you that I can better describe who I am now. I think the best way that I can describe me is... better than I was and not as good as I will be.

If You Want Me To

Song by Ginny Owens

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cuz I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

This is one of my favorite songs. I came across this about 1 month after my husband left us. It was an extremely hard time in my life...the hardest, and I was struggling to make it through the next 5 minutes let alone the day. For some reason I heard this song on the radio and it really made an impact on me, so I went on the hunt for the CD not even knowing who sang it. Somewhere I lost it in the last year and just bought a new one the other day so I could enjoy it again. Now that I have been reunited with it I just wanted to let you read the words because they mean so much to me. If I was smart as some of my computer Geek friends, (I won't name any names, because they know who they are) I would put it on here so you could hear it, but alas you might just have to ask me for the CD the next time you see me.

What Is A Mother To Do?

Well it has happened! The day that I have most dreaded. The day this mother hoped would never come. And in the end…I survived it even better than I had thought I would.

Devon came to me 2 nights ago and asked me if he could get his ear pierced. There I said it! Yes, he came to me with the protection of his dear sweet cousin (Jenessa) and asked if he could mutilate his body.

It was the worst thought possible for me to think of my baby boy getting his ear pierced. On several occasions over the past 14 years I have thought of the possibility of him wanting one. For some reason it is just one of those things that I have never really thought was cool. Yes I realize that it is sort of a weird thing coming out of my mouth since I myself have a nose ring...And my 16 year old daughter has one as well. (I took her to go and get it for her 16^th birthday) But that is different…isn’t it? Apparently not!

He and his cousin had planned to go over to a friends house that evening to do the dirty deed themselves. Being the good boy that he is, he decided that it was best to ask permission first. Good Boy Devon! (yes I am still in shock about that) As I have said it is something that I had thought might be a possibility and so I have pondered long and hard of how I might respond when the time came. A while back I decided that I would not fight the battles that really were unimportant. You know, things like hair color and pierced ears. (still have a problem with pierced lips and eyebrows though) After all I have dyed my hair for so long that I can’t even remember what the natural color is anymore and as I said I have a nose ring.

Well the evening was a bust for him as the friend couldn’t have them over and so this procedure began to take place at home instead. Jenessa got the ice cubes for freezing and Devon sanitized the earring as per his mother’s instructions. After ½ hour, and a lot of noisy commotion the 2 of them come out of the bathroom for a breather. The ear is not any closer to being pierced than it was before they began and all they had to show for it was a lot of melted ice. (Okay really it was a little bit pierced) Jenessa is frustrated with Devon and Devon is frustrated with Jenessa. Coming to the mom for a little direction (will they never learn?) they ask what to do. Well let’s just say to the shock and short discomfort on Devon’s part that the ear got pierced. So not only did I agreed to this barbaric thing but I think that I even did it for him! Now I look at my baby boy and wonder how he got me to be a part of it and think... What kind of a mother am I?

She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain

Maybe I will tell you a little bit about me that you wouldn't neccesarily know.
I grew up in Fruitvale, BC. Go ahead with the jokes...I have probably already heard it all. We lived up on an old ski hill that was no longer in use and so it was growing over with brush. It was a pretty nice piece of land but of course because it was an abandoned ski hill, it was on the side of a mountain. Great for a view, but sucked for the walk home from school as it was 2 miles mostly up hill. I quite often would ride my bike to school. That was always a quick trip due to it being all down hill all the way there. I would time myself and try to better the time it took each week and when I was at my best, I would try to mix it up a bit by riding it with out hand on the handle bars. This was a difficult task as it was not all straight road but with practice I discovered that it could be done for 3/4 of the trip. The other 1/4 was to put the breaks on for extreme speed on corners. Come to think of it it would have been totally awsome for lugeing in the summertime. In the winter the neighbour kids and I would all pile on crazy carpets and take the slope that way. This was not always the safest thing because there would be times when a car would be taking the ascend up as we were going down. It would take some fancy footwork to get your carpet out of the way in time as not to be face to face with someone's bumper. The kids and I always though it was great fun but the drivers of the cars never seemed to have the same humor of the activity. Many of them probably having to go home and clean their shorts.
As I am sure you have guess by now...what goes down must come back up. Yes, the joys of getting to school were not the same joys as walking home. And I mean walking home. (But didn't she say that she would ride her bike to school. Yes, Yes she did.) Let me remind you that it was 2 miles straight up the side of a mountain. I am not talking the kind of hill that you have to go up to get to top of these bumps they call 3 Hills. I am talking mountain. It was hard going when you walked it without the backpack on your back...but when you had to push the bike too. Let's just say that I didn't get a lot of friends volunteering to come over to my house afterschool.

Well, one day I was taking the decent down the mountain with a neighbour friend of mine. She was delivering newpapers and I was along for the ride. We were at the steepest part of the hill when I hit a pothole that I was sure hadn't been there the day before. It wasn't a really big pothole but big enough to throw my small ten speed off into a different direction. My body didn't get the message soon enough about the change of direction and let's just say that it didn't end well for me or my chin. I don't really remember much about the whole incident...just remember my dad coming from out of what I though was the blue and him taking me up to the Dr.'s office. Apparently the Dr. was good with a needle and that was what I would be needing. It took 15 stiches to put my chin back together that day. And in the end I have to tell you that I took the decent down that hill a little bit slower from then on...at least fro the rest of that summer anyhow.

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

Many of you know that I do a lot of night shifts with my job. It has taken me quite a while to get used to doing them, and to think of it, I am not sure that you ever get truly used to them. As a kid I was always in bed early. I guess I just really needed my full 8 to 10 hours of sleep per night. It really sort of sucked at all night events such as slumber parties because it would be an angonizing thing to have to stay up and party with the rest of the night owls. You know...the ones that stayed up passed 9 pm. I would try my best to stay awake as long as I possibly could because I knew from past experience that bad things happened to the first one asleep. Hopefully we would be doing something that required movement, preferably outside, because if it was something like lying on the floor and deeply involved in girl-talk...I was definatly hooped. My eyelids would get heavy and it would be near impossible to hold my head up as the familiar head bob would begin.
I haven't really changed much over the years. Still like to be in bed by 10 pm. And so...I am sure you can see the dilema. This is an impossibility for someone that works nightshift. My shift begins at 7 pm. It is usually quite busy until about 11pm but then things slow down considerably. I will have a couple hours of paperwork to complete before the morning arrives. This can be a brutal task to complete when all you really want is to shut your eyes. Then there is the really quiet time from 2:30 til 4:30. Some nights we are kept busy with ringing bells but some nights it can be excrutiatingly slow. Usually by 3 am I would do just about anything to laydown on some horizontal surface, although this is not a good idea because I very easily fall into a very deep, very hard to wake up sleep. If I am lucky I will get to sit in one of the easychairs and catnap until it is time to get people washed up for the day. By the time 7 am rolls around I am fanticizing about my nice warm, feather filled bed. When I arrive home I am deliriously happy to fall into my bed and float off to a peaceful slumber... Only to have to get up later that afternoon to prepare to go through the whole torturous process again.

The problem is that it all messes up your sleep patterns and what used to be bedtime is now daytime and vice-versa. It has really threatened to interfere with the social life(don't get too excited...I don't really have one) and nightshifts I have found are not condusive to having kids at home during the day, such as weekends. So most of the time when I get home on Sunday morning I will shower and change and pack the kids in the van and get off to church in time for Sunday School. (By the way I am so thankful for the coffee at church) Then we will stay for the service and drive back home and then think something for dinner, entertain company (hopefully play poker) and maybe watch a movie. (usually I will fall asleep on the couch while everyone else watches movie) All the time thinking that if I slow down too much then the game is over. I will finally allow myself to fall into bed in the evening after being awake for 30 hrs and fall hard and fast asleep. This morning I knew that I had really fallen deep cause when I woke up I was in the same positon that I went to sleep in...I was also regretting not going straight to bed when I got home after the shift and just bypassing the social life.

Psalm 139

Psalm 139

¹
O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me. (but Lord there are things I don't want you to know about because I am ashamed of my thoughts at times)

²
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my every thought when far away.

³
You chart the path ahead of me (so you really know about this path I am on?!!)
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am. (I don't know where I am half the time)

⁴
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD. (I mess up so often with my words, my foot is in there so much)

⁵
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

⁶
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!( I can't even come close to understanding)

⁷
I can never escape from your spirit!( and yet sometimes I wonder if you are really there?)
I can never get away from your presence!

⁸
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there.

⁹
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

¹⁰
even there your hand will guide me, (guide me on this path I am on)
and your strength will support me.(you have carried me many times when I couldn't continue on)

¹¹
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night--

¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are both alike to you.

¹³
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body (you made me the way I am on purpose?)
and knit me together in my mother's womb. (really on purpose?)

¹⁴
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!( I am a work of art, not a mistake?)
Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it.(not a rough draft or an opps?)

¹⁵
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,(how amazing you are)
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

¹⁶
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book. (you knew the trials I would go through)
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. (you knew it all before I lived it...somehow that is comforting)

¹⁷
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
They are innumerable! (even with all my sinfulness??? how can that be)

¹⁸
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!(because you created me and I am your work of art)
And when I wake up in the morning,
you are still with me! (you are always there by my side!)

¹⁹
O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!

²⁰
They blaspheme you;
your enemies take your name in vain.

²¹
O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who resist you?

²²
Yes, I hate them with complete hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

²³
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts

²⁴
Point out anything in me that offends you,( make me the woman that you designed me to be)
and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (less of me, more of you)

V-Day

I hate Valentine's day! It is yet another day to be disappointed for those of us out there that are single. If there are any of you out there that know what I mean give me a comment or two. Even when I wasn't single my husband rarely brought anything home because he wasn't going to be dictated to by the commercial forces out there to buy a valentine's gift for his wife. Like a lot of men out there he said it would happen when he felt led to...by the way that was not very often. I heard a commercial on the radio the other day advertising to go and buy your sweetheart a brand new bed for Valentine's day. Now am I the only one out here that feels that is the stupidest Valentine's gift ever. The only redeeming factor about it is that it is yet another reason to eat chocolate..not that I ever needed a reason!

How did I get here?

Do you ever wonder how in the world you got to where you are? I saw a greeting card the other day and it went something along the lines of this. "Life sometimes gives you a ticket to a brand new adventure...Isn't it funny how you sometime have no choice on whether you want to participate, and to top it off you have to pay for the ticket too!" It sort of made me smile because it is a concept that has been rather close to home for me. I too have had to pay for a ticket that I wasn't so keen on paying for and I definatly didn't want to take the adventure that was being forcable offered to me.

Two years ago my life was taken off of the chosen, desired track of adventure. I was living a rather predictable and safe life. (so I thought) No real surprises where planned and I was living life trying to do the best I could until the next planned adventure was to be put into motion. Well the fated day came and my safe and predictable life took a very unsafe and unpredictable turn. When I say unsafe and unpredictable turn I am remind that these are the immediate feelings that I felt inside but in reality the were just the opposite. My not so immediate response is that I may be on a path that I didn't quite anticipate but at least I was not alone.

As for me, I don't neccesarily understand why I had to take the less travelled, undesirable and lonely road. I do know that sometimes that less travelled, undesired and lonely choice can bring you closer to a God that may not have been so familiar. I have learned that I am a very capable woman...or so it may seem. I am not sure how I have gotten to where I am, just know without a doubt that it hasn't been on my own steam. Yes, I have had the motherhood thing driving me, but most of all I have had God walking all he way with me. Walking with me, carrying me and pulling me through some of the hardest time in my life.

Have you ever noticed that hindsight is 20/20. After some time has passed we can usually see things in a much better light then when we saw things as we were living through them. It doesn't always mean that we would still have chosen the road that we had been forced to go down but sometimes we understand things a little more.

That Brings me to the question again...How did I get here? I sure as heck can't tell you but I do know I didn't get here alone!

Don't some mothers eat their young

I am the proud mother of 4 delightful, beautiful, entertaining and truly exceptional kids. They are very enjoyable people to spend time with and it is so exciting to see them mature and develop their individual personalities. There are many days(about 90%) that I sit back and marvel at their uniqueness. Sometimes I wonder how 4 people from the same family can be so different and so the same all at the one time. I grew up a only child and so this is all very facinating to me.

I said many days I will marvel these things...well the other 10% I truly wonder how in the world I could have been a part of bringing these defiant, disobediant, self- centered creatures into this world. If there are any of you out there that have no inkling of what Iam talking about then you are probably not a parent. And if you are, then I don't wnat to hear about it!
There are days when all they do is fight and argue back and forth for really no reason at all. As I can see it, this is done just for the sake of fighting and argueing. Once again I will remind you that as an only child, I don't get it! They will disobey their mother and be disrespectful. They are proffesionals at manipulation and try regularly to pull the wool over their mother's eyes. As I sit here and think about it I am amazed that if this is only 10% how come it exhausts me so?

When I was pregnant with my first baby(she is now 16) my mother would tease me and say to me "I hope that you have child that will be just like you". She thought that somehow raising me was a challenge and wanted me to experience some of the things that I put her through I would laugh at her then and remind her that I was and explary child and that she had nothing to complain about. I really think that she had no clue as to how hard it could have been. Now after the years have gone by, and there are 4 kids all together, Mom has since apologized for wishing that upon me. She stands back and thanks her lucky stars that she only had one child. Now mom, all I have to say to you is, I understand why some creatures eat their young!

Sweet Sixteen

This weekend my oldest of 4 children turned 16. It was a fairly significant day in her still young life, as I am sure it was a fairly big day for most of you. That is if you can remember that long ago. (that is for you Lance) For most of us 16 meant that we could finally drive the car without our white knuckled mother sitting in the passenger seat screaming at us to slow down for the corners. It may have meant that we were finally allowed to date...with our parent actually knowing about it. (Although this is not the case for my daughter as she will have to be at least 25 until I will agree to dating.) And of course it meant that we would only have to endure living at home for 2 more years until we could move away from the parental units. (this too will be much later for my daughter)
Ok, as I sit here and think about it, I really think that her turning 16 is way more significant for me, her "very young" mother, than it is for her. It is a trip down memory lane as I turn the pages in her baby book and remember the many milestones both she and I passed together. It is a very firm reminder that the major part of my contribution to her young life is coming to an end as in 2 years (or much longer) she will be expected to venture out on her own. Have I taught her all that she will need to make good decisions and survive a life seperate from her mommy? But most of all I am brought face to face with my shortcoming as her mother. Not the sort of shortcomings that involve guilt. (I am sure that is something that all of you mothers out there can identify with.) I am talking about the sort of shortcoming that reminds me that I am only human and without the grace of God and his loving direction I am a complete failure as her mother. It is in this partnership with God that I need to remain so that my beautiful daughter will continue to develop and in turn hopefully strive to be woman He intends her to be. And so my prayer is that I will continue to let Him work through me and be the best mother to my 16 years daughter that he had planned for me to be.

My New House

This is a picture of my new house. Well it isn't brand new mine as I have lived in it for the past 3 months. If you have driven past it you will have noticed that it is covered with much more snow and not a blade of green grass in sight. But that is ok because it is mine. Mine, Mine, Mine! All mine! Okay it isn't all mine as I share it with my 4 beautiful children but for the most part it is mine.
I am sure you wondering why that is such a big deal as I am sure many of you own your own homes.
Let me tell you a little story about this house. This house is a home that was a direct answer to prayer. Yes, an answer to prayer. After many months of begging that God would move me out of my very difficult living situation,( a seperation, in-laws next door and a flooded basement,) God brought this little home to my attention. And 2 weeks after seeing it, it was bought and we had moved in. Cool huh? Yes there is much more detail to the story but I said I would tell you the "little" version.
By the way it has a 2 car garage in the back and it is just a hop, skip and a jump from the grocery store. (good for a mother of 4 , 2 of which are teenagers and one that eats like one). And it is just as cute inside as it is on the outside.